Red Glasses

It’s been a long while since I’ve written.  In this time, I have done cross country moves, whole continent moves, dyed my hair more times then I should, invested in bright red glasses ( I feel like the coolest kid in school), and had a emotional breakdown, of which I am still going through.

Emotional breakdowns are scary. It’s like being on a  crappy, plastic life raft attached to a dock, and without warning the rope frays, and you are carried out to sea. Then it turns into night, and just for more fun, every single bad emotion is on that shitty life raft with you. And you are alone. Completely, utterly, terrifyingly alone.

When I am dealing with emotional heartaches, the worst thing I can feel alone. When I  relive all those times I  was let down, or shamed, or devastated,  all I want is for someone to hug me, pass you a pint of some kick-ass ben and jerry’s ( obviously phish food) and try and ride it out. But eventually, when it comes to the big stuff, I have to learn to attack it from within. Alone.

And that is what I am trying to do. That isn’t to say that I am removing myself from human society on an island somewhere. I think that would be counter productive, although honestly pretty awesome for a few days. I like to think I would become super ms.skilled at living in the wild, and would know how to weave baskets from leaves, and fish with my bare hands, and build a hut from bamboo and mud. In reality, I would probably just sleep a lot in the sun, and spend my time frantically avoiding snakes. I HATE SNAKES.

Learning to deal with my mess on your own means that you stop relying on the outside to fix you. You can only ask so much from others, from the world. But the real hard work, the inner peace and love, thats all internal work, and therefore the scariest. After months of  sadness, I realized why they print cliches in horrible font on pictures of a sunset, or a horse. These cliches actually mean something. Learning to love yourself is one of my biggest challenges in life. For those of you who didn’t have it easy, who struggle with this as well, I send you an e-hug and my support. Because if you do struggle with this, it’s Hard. Actually not just Hard, but HARD. It affects everything about you, and plays tricks with your head in ways you didn’t even know were possible.

So now I have reached a place where there is nowhere left to run, nowhere left to hide. The only thing I can do is find that lone oar tucked into my life raft, and begin the slow process of coming back to shore. It will be hard, painful, lonely, and raw. I will want to give up, and I will want to quit. But I won’t,  because there is always a tiny spark inside, pushing me just to go a bit farther.

That is where I am, I don’t know where I am going, but I hope it will be good. Painful, because I can only grow from pain, but good. Preferably to a place with lots of Ben and Jerry’s, and my red glasses. And a ladle, because only amateurs use a spoon.

j-crew-red-glasses5

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Kids do know best

I wish I was a Oscar Meyer Weiner. LalalalalLala. I don’t remember the rest of the words. Fun songs from my childhood are always a good way to wake up
Remember when you were little and the world was big and exciting? And you couldn’t wait to explore and possibly, no- Definitely discover an island. With fairies! And unicorns! And a little tiger cub named Buster that speaks! Wheeeee!

I miss living in a world filled with imagination and wonder. When a Lunchables was a leg imitate reason to get excited (mini pizzas! Then feel bad for the kids who had to bring a stupid bag lunch). When Halloween meant actually dressing up in cool costumes, not slutty versions of cool costumes.

When you were little the world was waiting for you to grow up and do things!!!! You were going to do big things, great things, and eat dessert for breakfast! Yeah!

Lets have a kid day. A day devoted to having a good time, enjoying the sunshine, eating olives off our fingers, and exploring imagination and the things that make the world magical.

I’m going to wear a tutu. And maybe wings. Or maybe ill save that for Halloween. Although I wanted to be a sexy snuffleupagus. Try and figure that one out. I know I’m still trying.

And for extra fun- put sprinkles on everything. EVERYTHING.

 

 

I want her tutu so bad it hurts.

It’s a Boot Kinda Day…

It is Thursday!!! Which is that pesky day that separates me from Friday, which is the weekend! Bet you guys didn’t know that.I just rocked your world. You’re welcome.

So it seems like it turned into winter overnight, and I am not prepared in the slightest. I have to go on a shopping expedition for boots. Shoe shopping is scary. I usually end up in DSW,( which is the biggest shoe store known to man), and when you walk in there are literally rows and rows of shoes, all trying to get you to take them home. I get overwhelmed pretty quickly, and often I will forget my reason for going in there, and end up coming home with inappropriate purchases. No Joke. The last time I went in to buy shoes for a job interview, and I left with a pair of running shoes. Neon yellow running shoes. It didn’t occur to me it was a bad idea until I got home and tried it on with my business attire. So today I will have to go in with blinders on, and go straight to the boots.But there is another problem.

THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY TYPES OF BOOTS! I had to express my frustration in all caps. I apologize for yelling. But seriously, I am a libra, and we are not known for our decisive skills. I have often taken a half hour to choose a flavor at an ice cream store, and have missed movies because I couldn’t decide what to watch. Life is hard as a libra. So when I go to make a boot purchase, (which is a HUGE purchase just by the way, second only to getting a baby), I know it’s going to be rough. These boots will adorn my legs for the next 6 months! People wll know me by my boots! There is a lot riding on this purchase. So I get to stand there and choose between heeled boots, high boots, low bootes, booties, wedge boots, riding boots, leather boots, suede boots, ugg boots, and rainboots. (I hate rainboots. They are fake boots masquerading in the boot section as real shoes. I’m onto your game). This can literally send me into a panic. I can feel my nerves starting now. I might have to call in reinforcements to help me with this purchase. I will also have 911 on speed dial. ” Hello 911 what is your emergency?” ” I can’t pick a pair of boots, I’ve been in this store 5 hours please help!” ( I’m not sure if they would hang up on me, or be so kind and send a fashion advisor straight to the store, preferably with some snacks, because shopping makes me hungry.)

Why is it so hard to make a decision you ask? Because I know that if I buy the brown slouchy boot, I will be missing out on the potential adventures with the tall black riding boots. Or the shenanigans I could have with the red booties.( oh yeah. red booties. you know you want ’em). But such is life. When you choose one path, you are giving up on the potential other paths you could have taken. If you are a libra like me, this thought could send you into panic overdrive. The only solution I have found is to commit fully to the path you have chosen. Embrace it, love it, and tell yourself this was the ONLY path you could have chosen. disregard the other paths, they are a thing of the past, and focus on where you are now going. Own it. It’s your path, make it awesome. I would sprinkle sparkles everywhere, but do you what you will.

So i will go into DSW panichouse and buy myself a pair of boots, and I will love them and commit to them. Unless I get distracted and end up coming home with a pair of sparkly pink pumps. It might happen.

I’m holding strong on my no white flour path. And in other news, I now drink 7 cups of coffee a day. You win some you lose some.

(I am never making it out alive.)

French Food

I have an allergy to white flour. I think I am being punished for a former life crime, and I must have been a badass mofo to deserve the horrible punishment of being allergic to everything delicious. I mean seriously, do you know the dilemma I face when I see a freshly baked croissant hanging out in the bakery window. I can hear him mocking me. Don’t you wanna eat me? Im all warm and full of yummyness. ( In case you were wondering, and I know you were, my croissant has a southern accent. Why? Because I can. Also, he has a twirly mustache.

This means that before I eat something I end up pondering it for a while. Is it worth getting sick? Do I really want it? Usually the right answer is no, and I should act like an adult and walk away, but more often than not it ends with me clutching my stomach and whining about the evils of white flour, and being thoroughly confused as to how I ended up in this situation. My fault technically, but come on, I want to see you turn down a beautiful blueberry muffin. Actually, I don’t want to see you turn it down, I want to see you eat it, and then hopefully be in pain with me. I like company when my stomach hurts.

So I think that unless I can overcome my allergy to white flour, which I have been attempting to do for my entire life and still failing ( although I definitely deserve a balloon for my unwavering perseverance), there needs to be a better solution. Which means I need to suck it up, and stop eating white flour. Which sucks the big ones. But its about taking care of me, and doing what is ultimately good for me. Cutting the stuff out that doesn’t make me feel good, and only filling my life and diet with things that do.( Its a good thing i like whole wheat because if not I’d be in whole wheat hell. Which would be kind of cool because it would be piles of whole wheaty goodness surrounded by flames. In which case I’d throw some meat on the fire, make myself a burger, and stick it in a whole wheat bun that’s conveniently on hand. mmm. lunch.)

I know I tend to have things in my life that aren’t good for me- habits and patterns that I follow that don’t create positivity. And I keep doing them for whatever my reasons are, mostly familiarity. I’m sure a few of you out there hold onto stuff, habits, people, and beliefs that aren’t good for you. I say lets get rid of them! By focusing on the good, and giving up the bad, we create space in our lives for all that is positive and nurturing. Take one thing you know isn’t helping you and try to distance yourself from it.

I am going to give up white flour. I know my stomach will be relieved. Who knows, maybe that will inspire me to give up other bad habits, like secretly racing against everyone else on the treadmill at the gym. Sometimes I’m tempted to yell out my victory, but remember in the nick of time no one else knows they were racing.

Whatever. I still won. I deserve a cape, emblazoned with my initials. And maybe a sandwich. With whole wheat. See. Progress.

And a dill pickle. Or as I like to call them Very Confused Cucumbers.Image

( Yes. I drew this. Artistic Masterpiece? I think so.)

Boston shenanigans

I’m in Boston now at a Marshmallow Fluff festival. Yes an ENTIRE festival dedicated to Marshmallow fluff. I had no idea fluff had such strong fans. I am not a fan of fluff. In fact, I am an anti-fluffer. I feel like I’m undercover in enemy territory. If these fluff lovers suspect my allegiances they will turn on me and sacrifice me to the Marshmallow fluff gods. To be safe, I’m walking around with an awkward facial expression saying things like oh boy how interesting. Dear God let me get through this alive.

One booth puts Marshmallow fluff on weird things like sardines and spaghetti O’s. Why they ruin a perfectly delicious sardine I can’t support. But I like this idea. When I’m a parent I’m going to use this method to discipline my kids. Didn’t do your chores? Lima beans with fluff. Next time clean your room. Best parent award? I think so.

Please donate socks

There’s nothing better than walking in the rain with flip flops. Oh wait except for NOT walking in the rain with flip flops. I checked my weather app to make sure it was raining hoping maybe I was imagining it. Nope. Oh joy. My jeans cuffs will be wet for the rest of the day. Ain’t life grand.

I’m on a bus, and the girl next to me is crying about her drug addiction. In case you were wondering I am not eavesdropping. When you talk on the phone on public transportation you are inviting the world into your conversation. An invitation that I always accept, and sometimes gets me in trouble- apparently people don’t always want my advice. Weird.

So back to this girl. She is clearly having a terrible horrible no good very bad day. And my heart goes out to her. I don’t know what a drug addiction is like but I can imagine its not a walk on the park. People all around are dealing with shit we can’t begin to imagine and some we can. We are a World of courageous strugglers. You never know what anyone is battling against. We’re all fighting our own battles, and we need positive support. The hardest part of fighting is feeling alone. Try to reach out to someone today, in any way big or small. Smile at someone on the street, or your office. Pay for someone’s coffee. Talk to your cousin about her life.Open yourself to others. It will be a good day. I believe in you.

A tree branch is trying to kill me.He’s probably a tree assassin, sent by evil ninjas to kill me. Gotta stop pissing off those ninjas.

My feet are still cold.

Brussel Sprouts?

So I tried to put up a shelf and ended up possibly breaking my nose and giving myself a concussion. Score! So we have learned that when it comes to my building skills I should stick to shit from Ikea. So I am now stuck in bed, bemoaning my nose, which looks pretty ugly to be honest. And while in bed I have watched way too much bad tv, and dreamt about what my life would be like if I had been born an eskimo or a lady in the 1800s. I won’t bore you with the details, but as an eskimo I save a small child from drowning with my pack of lovable dogs.(Don’t be jealous, I’d probably save you too). It got me thinking about roles, and paths and careers. We all make choices about who we want to be, what kind of life we want to lead. But where do these decisions come from? Are they coming from you or from what you think you want to do- what you’ve been told to want? America is all about telling us what we should desire. how we should feel, and what kind of fancy new gadgets will make our lives complete( if you don’t like the new Iphone 5 you quite possibly do not have a soul). We get wrapped up in the pursuit of money, the need for stuff, and forgo what we really need which for me is inner peace, a place in the world, and experiencing as much as life can offer me. All I’m saying is think about what really matters in your life, and make sure you implement it. What matters to you?

I am now going to the bank with frozen brussel sprouts package on my nose. I think a lot of people will want to be my friend.

Happy Tuesday f…

Happy Tuesday fellow humans. I had a dream that I opened my fridge and a mouse jumped out at me. Does that mean something? Am I going to be bald by 30? That would completely terrify me. Jobless and hairless. I am destined to live in a box. That box better have sparkles.

Today is a holy fast day for the Jewishly inclined people. The idea is you fast and repent your sins, and after 25 hours you are squeaky clean. Its like a car wash for your soul, minus the hot wax part. But seriously, I think it should be a mandated holiday for all people, jewish and non alike. Not as a religious holiday, but as a you holiday. A day you take the time to reflect on who you are, where you are going and what you want out of life. I’m not talking new year’s resolutions, because we all know thats pretty much about how much new shit you can acquire over the next year, or how much weight you are probably not going to lose. A day where you meditate on who you are, what you can contribute to the world. Because we all have some sort of superpower we can contribute ( I know I’m getting super sappy- resisting the urge to stab myself with a fork). Whether you have a knack for saying good morning to everyone you see, or creating a food plan for the homeless or even making a kickass cup of coffee( come live with me please), embrace it. Implement it into your life.

Or you can come over and make me a salad. I like avocados.

Hello world!

So.

It BEGINS. What exactly I am not sure. I going to attempt to create a blog, and I am not even sure what the content basis will be. Probably anything that comes to mind. I am a creative bubble bursting at the seams.

I went for a job interview today, and failed utterly. It was almost comical, if it had been happening to someone else. Every time they ask me ” and where do you see yourself in five years” I cringe inwardly, and hope the utter horror inspired by that question does not show up on my face. I don’t know where I see myself tomorrow, let alone five years. I am one of those people who suffer from a lack of direction in life, or perhaps more correctly, a lack of desire to settle down and pick one thing, or really anything. Picking something means giving it your all.  A concept I am not familiar with. I love the new, the fresh, the excitement, and then I quickly come back to reality and realize, that maybe it isn’t as awesome as I previously thought.

So thats where I stand. A 24 almost 25 year old with a college degree and nothing to really show for it. A bunch of dreams, a few tries at different careers, and a bag of experiences I am unsure what to do with.

BUT at least I didn’t throw up and eat it. My friends dog did. It was disgusting.